I think this is my favorite one-liner (contributed by my brother Jerry):
Last winter it was so cold in Providence that the lawyers were sticking their hands in their own pockets!
More elaborate lawyer jokes:
A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his lights flashing. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you forget the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!" "OH, NO!!!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul," he said, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in five pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 to $20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "That's wonderful! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite saloon, tiptoed up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't understand English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish.
Fortunately, there was one other person in the saloon who heard the Ranger speak, a bilingual lawyer. He translated the Ranger's message for the terrified bandit, who blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree behind the saloon.
"What did he say?, What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost, you dumb gringo. You wouldn't dare shoot me!'"
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most: his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a faithful member of our church all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptismal font, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."
The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."
The lawyer then said, "Gentlemen, I'm ashamed of both of you. I want you to know that when I put my envelope into the coffin, it contained my personal check for the full $30,000."
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low grade Motel 6 type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a palatial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somewhat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such small accommodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
The sheriff received a telephone call from a rancher, who said, "Herb, you'd better get right out here ... I just ran over two lawyers."
When the sheriff arrived at the ranch, there was no evidence of the accident. "Where are the two lawyers?" he asked.
"Well," said the rancher, "I buried them."
"Are you sure they were dead?" asked the sheriff.
"Well, they were screaming and hollering when I buried them," said the rancher, "But you know how those lawyers lie."
A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a lawyer were traveling through the midwest and got lost on a country road in the middle of nowhere at night. They decided to stop at a farmhouse to see if they could spend the night there. They knocked at the door and when the farmer opened it, they explained their predicament. The farmer said they could stay, but he had room for only two of them in the farmhouse. The other one would have to stay in the barn.
So the rabbi said, "Okay, I'll stay in the barn," and he went off to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door and the farmer answered. The rabbi was standing there and said, "You didn't tell me there was a pig in the barn. It's against my religion to share the same roof with a pig."
Overhearing this, the Hindu priest volunteered, "Okay, I'll sleep in the barn," and left for the barn. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door. The Hindu priest was standing there, and he said to the farmer, "I didn't know there was a cow in the barn. It's against my religion to share the same roof with a cow."
The lawyer heard this and said, "Okay, okay, this is ridiculous. I will sleep in the barn, and that's that. Everyone in the farmhouse headed for bed. Ten minutes later there was a knock at the farmhouse door. The farmer ran downstairs, jerked the door open, and there were the pig and the cow!
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."
A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one of the men, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he said, "You can come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all got into the car, which wasn't easy, even for a big limousine. Once under way, one of the poor men turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are so kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
"Don't mention it," the lawyer replied, "I'm glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out." Then he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together forever?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!", St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?!"
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... No, I didn't know that."
"'Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
The gateway between Heaven and Hell is broken. No one can get into the underworld. As a result, the lobby where the souls of the newly dead must wait to be judged is getting very crowded.
The archangel Gabriel calls Satan. "According to our contract, it's your job to fix this," Gabriel says.
"I know," Satan says, "but what can I tell you, Gabe? My handymen all went on strike." "That's not my problem," Gabriel says. "We have a contract." "Look, be reasonable," Satan says. "They'll get to it, maybe next Thursday." But Gabriel responded, "You leave me no choice. We'll have to sue."
"Oh, come on." Satan says. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON! Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and therefore was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.
But after the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine! (This one was supposedly based on a true story.)
Some of the salesmen were standing around the water cooler at the Irish Lace Factory. Says Jack Gallagher, "I hear the new Pope's got all the cardinals on their toes."
Thomas O'Toole, "Now, how'd he do that, Mr. Gallagher?" Jack said, "He raised all the urinals in the Vatican!"
Everyone laughed except one young secretary. Jack turned to her and said, "Oh, dear. Didn't you think that was funny?"
She said, "I'm sorry, Mr. Gallagher. I'm not Catholic ... I don't know what a urinal is."
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row, please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. "No," he said. "Well, I'm the pastor's mother!" she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked. "No," she said. "Good," he answered.
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condominium clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but do so standing up.
At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.
Two brothers led a miserable life. They were self-centered, money-grubbing, mean-spirited, intolerant scoundrels. Then one of them died. His brother asked a minister to hold a funeral and offered him a lot of money to do it, on one condition — that the minister must say the dead brother was a saint.
Ministers sometimes do a lot of gymnastics at funerals. So the minister agreed and did the eulogy: "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "this man who died was a liar, a bully, a cheat and a thief. But compared to his brother he was a saint."
A woman got on a bus carrying a baby. The bus driver looked at the baby and said, "Wow, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
Upset and crying, the woman went to the back of the bus and sat down. The lady next to her asked her what was the matter.
"He told me my baby is ugly," she said, sniffling.
"Oh, that's terrible!" the lady said. "You just march back up there and tell him off. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. "Doc", he says, "Here's the problem. I think I'm a moth."
"Well", says the dentist, "That certainly is a problem, but why did you come into a dentist's office?"
"The light was on."
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just sauntering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"
"About a thousand feet," said the kangaroo, "unless somebody locks the gate at night!"